A pseudo response to Stuff Eurasians Like (SEL)

Published May 16, 2013 by nojennynow

Stuff Eurasians Like (SEL) is a blog that I stumbled upon a while ago and, despite the author’s apparent self hatred, tortured soul, and maniac depressive psyche, his blog apparently contains some very original and highly acute observations.  For example, he coined the word “yellow feminism”.  Now whatever stances and point views he has I do not agree with, I still find him very smart.  I suppose being a hybrid between a European man and an Asian woman is the secret.  Though he openly hates himself, hates his own birth, hates his mother, and hates his very existence (which I suspect is the reason why he is no longer active: maybe he has committed suicide), he simply cannot deny that he is a very brilliant person, more brilliant than any blogger that I have ever met, and it is only the hybrid mind of a submissive asian woman and strong dominant white man that can produce such a brilliant mind.  From his blog I elicited that he looked more Asian than European, and that’s his woe, and I just wished that he could understand, even though he had an asian appearance, he should not stoop so low to start mingling with those inferior angry asian men because deep inside he is far more superior than those pathetic asian men.  His blog is now infested with angry asian men and when I tried to comment, I was attacked from all sides, so I decided to never go back to that blog again.  In stead I decided to publish what I wrote to him on my own blog in the hope that if the original blogger SEL is still alive, he will see my blog and I really wish to help him.  He can become a great writer if he is still alive.

My first comment:

I hope you have not committed suicide by the time I finished writing this comment.  If you are still active or still alive, maybe you should contact me and you can talk to me.  I understand what you are going through and I want to help you.

And please do not think that as a woman I would not understand what goes through your mind.  I may be a woman, but I am also a human being.  I have feelings too and as a woman my feelings are even more sensitive than yours.  

I won’t lie to you.  You probably hate me already when I say this because I only date white men.  But I promise I am not what you think I am.  I do not justify my actions like the other asian women.  I know I am inferior to my white boyfriend and I enjoy being submissive to him, being subjugated and dominated by him.  I revel in my own submission and I enjoy being abused and dominated.  This is the way I have worked out my demons, by being physically abused and mentally subjugated.

I have carefully perused all your posts and almost all the comments and as a Japanese woman, who had white ancestry on her father’s side, and at same time who had a Chinese mother, I felt, on the one hand, insulted and angered by your fusillade of virulent remarks, slanders and abusive language, but on the other hand I do–I really do–believe or not, sympathize with you and I know what must have been going through your mind growing up.  The humiliation, the shame, the self hatred, and the thoughts of suicide.  I had all those.  At the roots of all these feelings is your subconsciously knowing that you are inferior: your mother’s race is being dominated by your father’s race, and you are the living proof of that domination.  And that seem unnatural in your mind.  You seem to think racial domination is wrong; a man of dominant race should not subjugate women of inferior races.  Can you imagine what Han Chinese people must feel like, since 98% of all Han Chinese were the descendants of Genghis Khan?  Han Chinese as an ethnicity is distinct from Mongolians, Manchus, and Uighurs.  So all the Han Chinese today are the descendants of Mongolian rapists.   That is unnatural, unjust, and evil; that men of the dominant race conquer and enslave the women of the subjugated races is wrong.  But that is all our history.

Do you think you are better off if a White woman loves you?  She will still be superior to you even if she loves you.  You will be her slave, not the other way around.  My grandmother was a white woman, and my grandfather–who was a Japanese general during World War II–was completely obsequious to her and treated her like a royal mistress.  Can you imagine a war hero who conquered half of Asia ended up being a slave to a White woman?  And even if you eventually “end up” with a White woman, even though physically you look asian, you still carry the Y chromosome from your White father and you are merely just passing on his genes, the genes of a White man, of the most dominant race of the most powerful country on Earth–a people whose men have conquered all corners of the world and enslaved all its women.  A White man can get any woman he wants because he has the rights to, not because his own attributes, but because of his race, his shibboleth of power, his whiteness.  And you are his living proof of his domination and it made no difference if your wife is also White.

On the other hand the way my father treated my mother was completely different from the way my grandfather treated my grandmother.  My mother is a Chinese woman and my father knew she was inferior to him so he abused her; my mother, on the other hand, knew she is inferior and even enjoyed being dominated by my father.  Do you know what it’s like to see your own mother naked leashed and collared like a dog?  Have your white father done that to your inferior asian mother?  If you haven’t then you didn’t have it as worse as I had it.  And please do not refer to Japanese as asian.  Please.  Most Japanese think they are descendants from Germanic people.  

Your mother had been a lucky woman to be able to marry a white man, a man of the Master White race.  She was blessed, and you should be happy for her.  She could have ended up with an inferior Asian man and you would not have been able to be born to the most powerful nation on Earth.

Growing up, I had always felt my Chinese mother was a shameless whore, and it makes me even madder because she was a masochist who enjoyed being beaten.  

And please stop the silliness that is pan Asian alliance.  Asian people hate each other and would rather be slaves to their white masters.  

Your mother was lucky and you should be proud of her.  And I know it’s very hard for you to do so right now but despite your asian appearance, deep inside you carry the genes of the superior white race and you should be proud of that, the fact that your patriarchal ancestors traced back to a White man who conquered and pillaged all over the world during the 19th and 20th Century just as the Chinese are proud to be descendants of Genghis Khan today even though they are not even Mongolians.

On the other hand if you cannot locate the white dominant master inside you, you can always try to become a submissive gay asian boy for your white masters.  Homosexuality is widely accepted now, and you can find a nice white muscular man to marry you and you will live with him happily ever after.  I think that might be the best course for you now.  Asian men are very attractive to gay white males or gay black males.  You will find much more acceptance as a homosexual “asian” male if you choose not to identify yourself as White.

I am sorry if I am of no help to you at all.  

My second comment:

I was expecting some angry remarks, but I was still a little bit overwhelmed by the amount of vitriol directed at me.  Do you realize that by attacking me you have shown to the whole world how bigoted, sexist, racist, narrow minded, and jingoist all you asian males really are?  That’s just a rhetorical question; readers will decide  for themselves.  And I was not even being unsympathetic to the plight of asian males, but just by having a slightly different view, and just for proclaiming that I simply found white men to be physically, morally, and intellectually superior, and that in the process I felt myself inferior as an asian woman, all of a sudden now I am the enemy.  I must be attacked from all planks.  Should I even dignify a response to you?  Do you really dare to say these kind of things or do the kinds of things you threaten to do to me if you see me walking down the street with my white boyfriend?  I highly doubt it.  I live in New York City and I see the pathetic looks on all those asian men’s faces everyday and to be honest they make me laugh because they are so jealous and yet they are too scared to say something.  They are pathetic losers and they understand why even their own women despise them.  My White boyfriend would have easily manhandled any asian man but he is too exalted to deal with those disgusting low lives just as a heavy weight champion wouldn’t pick a fight with a feather weight amateur.  And that’s just the physical aspect.  And don’t even get me started on being samurai warriors.  About the only thing a samurai warrior can do is to rape other asian women and scurry away when an white American man shows up to protect her.  

So since we have opened this can of worms, and your rude comments have erased my last thread of sympathy for you, let me make it clear once and for all why I only date white men:

1.  White men are morally superior:  when I was traveling with my boyfriend in Kentucky, he saw a middle aged black woman passed out in front of her house, and he stopped the car, got out and helped her up.  Now be honest with yourself, would a Japanese man ever help a Non-Japanese person in the middle of the street?  Would a Chinese person ever help another human being without standing around and just gawking at the victim?  And to think that black woman was once merely a slave, and yet my White boyfriend stooped so low to help her.  It just goes to show: asian morality is inferior; Confucianism is inferior.  Face the facts or don’t and stew in your own smug sense of racial purity.  

2.  White men treat women better than any Asian man ever would.  My boyfriend respect my limit and no matter what I do, he will never threaten me with non-consensual physical violence.  The reason why I am so open in expressing myself is exactly because I know no matter what my opinions or orientations are, my boyfriend will always love me, support me and never judge me.  I have written, said, and even asked for, many politically incorrect, outrageous things, including sometimes appearing to be self-hating, but my boyfriend have always supported me and never judged me.  I am even critical of him sometimes and he always listens.

3.  sorry guys, but size does matter.  Most asian men simply have smaller dicks, and sorry to break it to you guys, it really does matter.  Girls like bigger packages, and asian men, well, happen to have the smallest dicks in the world.  

4.  white men are physically strong.  Did you know white men actually like to become strong and physically intimidating?  Geez, what kind of woman doesn’t like it when a short skinny Japanese man who never play sport and act like a girl walks into a bar?  Don’t get me even started on all you East Asian men who want to look more feminine and womanly.  Don’t act like you don’t know what I am talking about, OK?

5. Asian men, in all essence and forms, are wimps, and to be honest, no women like wimps.  We all want to feel protected, and secure, with a strong, masculine man; and asian men, well, are just too feminine and when they are not beating themselves up, they are beating their women.  Sorry, that’s just disgusting.

6. Oh, and don’t pretend like all Asians love each other.  All of a sudden a Japanese person is happy to see a rising China.  Please.  Even overseas Chinese and Taiwanese hates mainland Chinese.  Just about every other Asian hates China and wish with all their might that they can lick the boots of America just a little longer.  The last time I checked, PM Shinzo Abe of Japan was just about to kneel down and kiss Obama’s half black ass.  Some Asian countries such as the Philippines are so scared of China they even started to support the re-militarization of Japan.  Two words: Asians, pathetic.

On the other hand, do you see the same level of vitriol between, say, a British and a German?  It seems to me that White people seem to get along with just about everyone.  Is it perhaps because of their shared Christian morality?  I don’t know, but it certainly seems the case that Confucian morality breed very hateful people,  And please, can someone scrap that racial purity concept the Japanese borrowed from the Nazis 60 years ago?  Has someone told Koreans that they are still using the Nazi racial purity concept their Japanese masters gave to them?  Nazism is widely condemned in the West, but if anything, Nazism is still quite alive in East Asia.  Without America, all the East Asians would have killed each other until nothing left, and maybe that would have been a good thing.

 7.  As for the Asian Americans that I see in the States, they disgust me.  They try to tan their skin, act all ghetto, and and do everything possible to imitate being white, even all the while pretending to be creating their own identity.  The mere sight of them make me want to vomit, and any woman with any self respect would not want to mate with those disgusting low life forms.  I for one can’t imagine myself being impregnated with those pathetic asian genes.  

8.  white men have bigger balls.  What does that mean?  Well it means they are overall more manly, more masculine, takes initiative, physically strong, and mentally tough.  They are more adapt at socializing and knows more about courting females.  As compared to all the asian men pathetic wimps and cry babies.

9.  White men are intellectually superior.  This you might find shocking.  Surely the East Asians boast of being smartest people.  Asians are so good at math!  So let me ask you to name just one great mathematician of Japanese or Chinese or Korean descent that can rival Einstein, Gauss, Euler, Newton, Fermat, Wiles, Poincaré, Perelman, Cauchy, Lagrange, Borel, Hilbert, Riemann.  Can you name one please?  Oh, and can we name one that’s not an American citizen.  Sorry, Terence Tao never even had a Chinese citizenship.  He was Australian before he defected to America.  Even if you can name a few, maybe the trite and ancient Chinese remainder theorem, ask yourself, how do you compare yourself to the west?

Asians are only good at rote memorization while all the creative geniuses are European.  I wish this was not true, but look at that list of names, and you want to convince yourself that that is not the case?

10.  and this will be my last reason.  I have to agree even if I don’t really want to.  White men are simply the most dominant people on earth today and they have right to have any woman they want.  And I feel lucky as an asian woman that I am so adored by them.  It’s a good thing for me, and I do not really feel ashamed to say that I am actually very flattered by their lavishing attention on me.  Which one of you dare say that you never dreamed of being with a white woman?  Do you not find white women superior to asian women?  May I ask why?  Because all our standard of beauty is white, and asian women simply are better at adapting or lucky I guess, being more white looking than asian men.  Japan certainly had its chance to be the most dominating country in Asia at least, and I guess all the other Asians really enjoyed that am I right? Finally an Asian country can lead all Asia to glory!  And of course comfort women were volunteers and anything you heard about Japanese war crimes were just lies perpetuated by the West.

I am not coming back to this blog again, and you guys can curse, vent your anger, and hate me all you want.  At the end of the day, you will just be embarrassing yourselves, and you asian men will still be the biggest losers on this planet.  All my Japanese girlfriends are either married to white or married to blacks and I actually know one Japanese girl who’s engaged to a mexican man  I guess just about any other man is better than a Japanese man.  You guys are pathetic and just talking to you guys disgust me.  Don’t bother to reply and even if you reply I won’t read it.     Good bye. 

Yellow feminism:

I was so impressed by his ideas that I have reproduced in my own words what he meant by yellow feminism.  Personally I do NOT fully agree with him, especially with the way he demonizes asian women but you can’t deny that he is very brilliant in his conceptualization.

Yellow feminism is the feminism particular to asian women.  Whereas feminism in the West is expressed through a woman’s hatred for men, and the general unsex of white women, yellow feminism is the idea that asian women should revolt against asian patriarchy by betraying the asiatic race, by sleeping with white men, by being prostitutes to foreign men, and by marrying into the white race.  It is a form of feminism and a form of thought process common enough that it warrants its own name.  Yellow feminism is not a nebulous concept out of the ivy tower.  Its formation derives out of life experience.  Ask any asian woman why she is so submissive toward the white men and so ruthless toward asian men, she will tell you that’s because she is a feminist.  But when she says that she has no clue what she means.  She is not expressing what a western feminist thinks she is expressing.  She is expressing her uniquer yellow feminism and its unique characteristic is to be subservient to a white man.  Being a white man’s submissive chinadoll is the essence of yellow feminism.  Yellow feminism is the bellow cry of an asian woman in revolt, against asian patriarchy, against effeminate asian men who oppress women, against stagnant asian morality and deep rooted asian misogyny.  Yellow feminists purposefully bring shame upon the asiatic race not because she is ignorant; quite the contrary, she is well aware of what she is doing and she refuses to stop because she is full of hatred against asian patriarchy and she releases her energy into being a better sex slave for her white masters.  Yellow feminism is the feminism a white man loves and embraces.

I was ambling around around midtown manhattan the other day and I saw a young pretty asian girl hand in hand walking down the street with a ragged middle aged white male beggar.  Even I felt disgusted.  That is the power of yellow feminism.

Yellow feminism contributes to the submissiveness of asian women.  In front of the white men, an asian woman will always act gracefully and femininely.  She will always be obedient toward her white master because deep inside she is revolting against asian patriarchy.  She will go the extra mile to please a white man, the same she will not do for an asian man because deep inside she has not respect for—no, she hates–asian men.  Hatred and resentment are as feminist as apple pies and hot dogs are American. 

http://stuffeurasianslike.wordpress.com/

why are east asian women more submissive and feminine?

Published May 16, 2013 by nojennynow

That fact that east asian women are more submissive, more feminine, and therefore, more attractive as potential mating partners are so versimiliar and notionally pervasive that it has become politically incorrect to state this obvious fact.  In fact, as someone who has lived in the United States for the last 10 years, I can say with certitude that any statement regarding any subject becomes factually true when the statement has become politically incorrect to be uttered.  People in America think that they alone possess the freedom of speech unlike everyone else in the world, and yet it is in this country that just about any true statement is politically incorrect.  So even though almost every single NBA basketball player is black, it is politically incorrect to assume that black people are good at basketball; even though much of the world wealth are controlled in 1% of the population, we shudder to proclaim the name of this group of people, and of course when the word is uttered, the utterer is immediately labeled an antisemite.  America is ridiculous, but I live in America; furthermore I live in an America-dominated world order, so I have no choice than to submit to its domination until my next conqueror arrives.

But in the meanwhile let’s strip bare the political mumbo jumbo and let’s ask ourselves truly why are asian women really more submissive and feminine.

There are several factors not the least of which has to do with race.  East Asiatic race has less sexual dimorphism.  That means asian men and women are less biologically distinct as compared to men and women of another race.  This is very important because it seems to me that western men tend to focus on east asian women only and they observe while we are indeed submissive, they utterly fail to observe the same behavior in east asian men.  For example, while it is indeed true that submissive asian women are highly prized as sexual mates for straight men, submissive asian men are similarly high prized as sexual mates for gay top men.  Lesbian females seem also particularly interested in asian men.  Asian men in general look much more feminine compared to men of other races and they can be similarly submissive.  This would obviously impact the role of an asian woman since by default an asian woman must be more submissive and more feminine than an asian man.

So what contributes to an asian woman’s submissive behavior and most feminine physique?

This is by no means an exhaustive list.  I am not a scientist and this is just what I know and what I derived logically.

Diet: rice as well as soy beans tend to have less protein and more estrogen, and if you are what you eat, then you will be more feminine in appearance because of the higher level of estrogen and less development of muscles.  There are some debates as to whether or not it’s true … but look around, east asians, regardless of gender, are usually very feminine and shorter.  If it’s not what you eat, then I don’t know what it is.

Culture:  It certainly has to do with culture, i.e., Confucianism. Confucianism singlehandedly influenced not only China, but Japan, Korea as well as southeast asians.  Confucianism is to Asia as Christianity is to Europe, and Confucian influence, whether good or bad, is enormous.  However, the problem with Confucianism is that modern asians never quite grew out of it.  For Christianity there are plenty of opponents since the 1500s from Martin Luther to Voltaire to James Joyce.  Fundamentally I see West’s gaining supremacy really stemmed from its departure from Christianity, and not because of Christianity.  So the problem with Confucianism is that the Confucian set of beliefs has been so deeply rooted and ingrained for so long it had a corrosive effect on East Asia as a whole.  Japan was the first one to escape from Confucianism starting with Meiji Restoration, though Japanese are not completely out of Confucianism.  The most dramatic departure from Confucianism comes from within China, where during the Cultural Revolution Confucianism was denounced as reactionary and as the root of feudalism in China for the last 2000 years.  Despite of Cultural Revolution’s violence, I suppose it was a good development.  The Chinese today are always worried that their society has become too immoral, too materialistic, and too selfish.  That’s not unlike the complaints we hear in the West, but then again it might not be a bad thing.  However, Confucianism still remains a huge cultural imprint and one simply cannot ignore it.

So Confucianism teaches that subjects must obey the rulers in a very strict hierarchy: son obey father, father obey the emperor, women obey husband or father, etc.  So you can see where this strict hierarchy of power might lead to problems.  However, the concept that one must live in accordance to one’s social hierarchy has a profound psychological component to it and which made it so successful, that is, it felt “natural”.  I use the word “natural” in the same sense as the Stoics used natural: according to Nature, or Human Nature, and Human Nature is rational.   It therefore becomes natural for a woman who is lesser than a man to obey a man, a son obey father; and the Emperor, who were treated as a god, the supreme authority, is obeyed by all.  Whether Confucianism is good or bad, I cannot judge; but it certainly has pre-established, as did Christianity and Islam, that a woman must submit to a man, and a subject must submit to the superior power.   It is actually quite true that just about any major religion or culture regards female submission as natural.

On the other hand, Confucianism not only applies the strict social hierarchy to asian women, but to all asians and even to asian geopoltical powers.  I suppose Confucianism is the psychological cause behind the way why east asians are so deferential to their American and Europrean conquerors, including why Japan has no self respect when fawning over Americans.  America is the most dominant country in the world, so those lesser asian nations all embrace America as the emperor of a divine entity.   Asians tend to worship America and treat Americans as kings or queens and to be honest, I don’t know which is worse, to be a rebelling race like the arabs who are independent and ferocious but poor and suffer from attacks on all sides, or to be an east asian who has no self respect, completely humiliated by americans but live materialistically wealthy lives and envied by inferior races such as the hispanics, or blacks or south east asians.

Hierarchy of race: And which now must carry us to the subject of the hierarchy of race of the world order.  Asians, especially East Asians, are not the most inferior race in the world.  I think given our status in the world in terms of economy, soft power, etc. we should be ranked as beta.  The white race is the alpha race, and the alpha race dominates over all the other races, and east asians are the most beloved race by the alpha race because physically we resemble the white race the most in terms of skin tone, especially the Japanese (a lot of Japanese are very European looking compared to the Chinese and Korean, though Chinese are more complicated, because you have Chinese Mongols, Uighur, Chinese Turks, and some other Northern Chinese such as the Manchus that look very “Russian” in appearance because they are so near Central Asia).  Furthermore east asians understand the role as the beta race, and we oblige to the demands of the alpha race.  It certainly sounds humiliating, but only humiliating before the alpha race.  In front of all other lesser races, the east asian race isn’t so bad.  Just as there are different types of Jews, there are different types of Asians.  So I think it is pretty rational that the following order would be true: Japanese as the most superior asiatic race, followed by Korean and Chinese, (the three of which comprise of East Asia) and after that the most inferior asian races are the southeast asians.  A lot of the very white looking southeast asians are mixed blood with white or Chinese or Japanese, but when you look at the aboriginal southeast asians you will realize why they are inferior.

Feminism: You will be surprised how many asian women actually think white women are the prettiest women in the world, and how many asian men actually secretly fetishize white women.  Remember the alpha race sets the standard of beauty, and certainly white women represent the standard of what it means to be beautiful.  But the problem is that feminism causes white women to resent being women, and the first time feminism started, western men looked to Russia to look for brides who are submissive and feminine.  It was not until the 1980s that western men started to marry asian women.

Personally I think feminism is completely wrong, and I can’t tolerate those feminists.  Contrary to popular beliefs, not all women are into feminism.  Feminism, in my opinion, will lead to unhappiness, depression and lonely lives, and no one need to tell the successful modern feminist white women those things, because they live their lives and they will die miserable bitches who hate their own gender.  I have tried feminism when I was in college, and I realized that feminism just filled me with resentment and made me an angry shrew.  After that I decided to never try feminism again.

Now, back to what I was talking about.  Being more feminine and submissive is therefore measured in relation to the white women.  Whereas most east asian women are still comfortable in their natural roles as women, it just appears that we are more submissive and more feminine, but it’s only because white women started to “unsex” themselves.  Most asian women are actually very insecure about themselves and they are constantly worried that they are not as pretty as white girls or as civilized as the west.

I am not saying there is no feminism in East Asia.  There is, but the funny thing is that most east asian women think they are revolting against patriarchy by marrying white men and they end up being treated as the subservient china dolls that they rebelled against.  It’s actually quite hilarious.  Though I don’t want to start a whole different topic by this remark.  I will address the asian female-white male coupling phenomenon later on.

a misconception: yellow fever does NOT exist: according to Columbia professor of economics Ray Fishman, a white male’s dating preference for asian females does not exist at all; on the other hand, it is the asian female who is preferential in mating with white men.

A family dog

Published May 16, 2013 by nojennynow

a dog woman

Growing up, I always felt lonely and desolate. My family dog was my only companion.  He was a slightly larger than a medium sized dog, with grey and dark fur, and a nozzle that resembled a wolf.  He was so cute, so adorable, and he was my only friend.  I often played with him in my desperate attempts to communicate with another living being, like Madame Bovary sitting by her fire place in a melancholic longing for escape.  I want out! out of this nonchalant prison of thoughts, out of this cruel alienated society, out of these mind forged manacles whose clankings I hear like looming madness; the marks of domestication on their faces, marks of psychological slavery, marks of intellectual death; they are mere automatons, inanimate objects, so lifeless like straw men, hollow men, stuffed men.  I can’t bare to look at those miserable beings’ faces.  In a domesticated dog I see more humanity than the entire humanity.  If only my family dog can take me away!  And I will elope with him to a happy place, where there is no more sorrow, no more dread, no more cold metallic prison walls of the mind.

My family dog was my only friend, and he was my only confidante.  To him I entrusted all my deepest secrets.  Sometimes I wished I was a dog: no more worries, no more sadness, no more consciousness, no more thoughts, just the need to satisfy my most basic instincts, lying by my owner’s feet, worshiping him and completely dependent on him.

Sometimes I wish I could have another dog just like the family dog I used to have in Japan.  And he will be my husband.  I will belong to him.  I will be his bitch.  I will obey him, crawl under his belly, gently caress his furs with my soft hands, and please him like I would please my husband.  And he will be my beast and I will be his beauty.  Albeit he will be a gentle beast, always so obedient to me, and yet always so much more aggressive, and animalistic; he will protect me from harm, with his sharp fangs and naturally endowed muscles for chasing down his prey; and yet he will honor me and obey me like a lover would.  He will never be jealous, never be angry, as long as he is fed and watered.  He will be my best friend.

a dog

I always wondered what it would be like to be fucked by a big dog.

I miss my sister and my parents

Published May 16, 2013 by nojennynow

The memory of my sister and my parents started to fade away, like wavering forms they passed before my clouded sight; their images have become a blur rise about me out of mist and cloud; their faces, and their figures have become shades of phantoms; I wanted to hold you close to me in that blessed fleeting moment when you reappeared to me in my dreams. If only I possessed the strength to draw you near. I wanted to forever remember you—you bear the images of happy days; your airy smiles still stir youthful tremors in my breast—but my memory faltered. It would have been simpler if I were already dead. I would never be seized again by those long forgotten yearnings. I shuddered at those thoughts; and a tear draws other tears.

Crying is my only form of release; through crying I am channeled to the solemn and silent world of spirits; crying is my whispered prayer that lingers in a vagrant tone. I have no one to talk to. I live in solitary confinement. I have been driven to madness even though physically I stay put.

My life—full of dolor, pain and suffering. Sometimes I wish I could end it. The only reason I continue to live is for otherwise I lack the courage to carry out that final act, to take me beyond and step into the unknown. It is so much better to have been never born at all, or at least to die an immediate death. How sweet and wonderful death would be. My dear Aya, I am so very sorry! A vast space of nothingness in the empty universe fills my heart. Everyday of my life I live in terror because of you.